"I'll be ding-blasted if I'm going to sit on a bench with the temperature below freezing and let the cold wind lace into my bones," the king spoke.
"Whatever are you talking about?" the Queen Bee asked.
"I've been reading Leonard Hoskins' story about the Auburn-Nebraska City playoff Wednesday night."
"So?"
"So, it's cold'ern blazes, woman. I've been faithful in attending Junior High games, going to Pioneer and Lourdes games and several Johnson-Brock games, but this playoff thing is for the birds . . . snowbirds, that is. Call Jim Brockhaus and tell him to go jump in the river . . . sometime during January."
She listened patiently, then sat down in the chair beside me (I knew it was coming . . . she makes the same moves on the kids when she's about to read them the Riot Act).
"Ivan," she said, (it came out awfully warm and sweet) "you ARE going to the football game."
When the King speaks, he doesn't fool around (sometimes he gets fooled, however) and I assured her I absolutely was not going to freeze the top and bottom and front and backsides.
"Well, look at it this way," she threatened. "Do you want your oatmeal and sour cream chocolate cake for breakfast?"
"THAT is dirty pool, Mildred. I know my rights!"
And then came the trap play — No. 2 daughter, Clarissa.
"Daddy, you've just got to go to that game," she said.
"I don't 'got' to do anything, little girl. I've gone to so many football games this year, I've got plays and scores coming out of my ears."
"But, daddy," pleaded the high school senior, "this will be the LAST time I will be in a band show at a football game. You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"
(I hope all dads are reading this carefully.)
"You're not going to wear that. You'll look silly," Queenie said.
"Mrs. Beaumont, you are addressing the master of this house, and as such I shall wear what I want to wear when I go to football games in freezing weather to watch the Pioneers win and watch my senior Ms perform with the band."
And so we went to the Twin Rivers playoff and watched our Purple team paint the Auburn team red on the football field. It was a great night, and we were not alone in our enjoyment. The "visitors" bleachers seated a lot of shivering Pioneer fans.
I wore my insulated coveralls and my favorite coat (with the ragged sleeve lining), overshoes and a bright green "fertilizer" cap with ear flaps.
We had a good time. The only problem was my vinyl tobacco pouch. It got so stiff with the cold, it was awkward to load my pipe.
The Environmental Protection Agency has come out with a gas mileage guide for new car buyers. The booklet lists American and foreign cars, engines and gas mileage. American 1975s run up to 26 and 29 m.p.g. "on the road" according to the report.
The EPA pointed out that all of the cars meet the tougher 1975 air pollution standards. Autos burn nearly a third of the country's fuel.
Then, there came another booklet, this one on consumer information from a federal agency, listing 250 federal consumer-oriented booklets on how to help John Q. Public adjust to the fuel shortage and saving energy at home, how to buy, financial planning and you name it.
Now that we are so well-versed on so many things we thought we'd just jot them down here and for a dime we'll toss in Alley Oop.
Americans ought to think a bit as they feast on Thanksgiving by remembering the world's starving children, according to Dr. Stanley Mooneyham of World Vision International.
There are 300 million starving children in the world. Most of the 100,000 people who die daily from malnutrition are children. Twenty-five per cent of the children born in lesser developed nations die before their fifth birthday. Another 10 per cent will die before they are 15. The average life expectancy is 20 years of age.
Alton Stahlhut says he will move to Missouri where the air is pure and fresh and he feels a whale of a lot better than in his hometown.
It will surely be a sad day for the Stahlhuts when they pull stakes, but they are optimistic about their new life next to a lake. Alton says he's not much interested in boating or water skiing, but he never said anything about his interest in motorcycling around the shores.
Best wishes and good health to you.
The Rev. A.F. Rinne has taken to the pulpit again since his "retirement" some years ago and this time it is the Presbyterian church in Dunbar.
The truth is he enjoys his gift of preaching the gospel and makes it truly a labor of love. And in the case of the Presbyterians, it's ecumenical. He's a retired Bethel United Church of Christ pastor, but we don't charge any extra for that from the North 40 Congregation.
Stolen
An ex-farmer who became mayor of a small town noticed the lawn in front of City Hall looked a bit scraggly. "Guess we better throw some cow manure on that grass," he told the clerk.
A bit later the clerk observed to the mayor's secretary, "Someone should tell the mayor to say fertilizer instead of manure."
"It might be better to leave well enough alone," the secretary advised. "It took his wife seven years to get him to say manure."